Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter Eventually
by RhiannaDark
Summary: At some point, in a few chapters from now, Dora the Explorer, that Nick Jr. Heroine will run into Harry Potter. Rated PG13 for a bit of language and a bit of snarkiness and mentions of suicide. This is NOT for little kids. COMPLETE!
1. Mocking Dora the Explorer has no Bounds

**Disclaimer:**  I don't own _Harry Potter_.  The series is owned by JK Rowling.  I don't know who owns _Dora the Explorer_, but, suffice to say, it isn't me.

**Author's Notes:**  This is what happens when you have to baby-sit preschoolers too often.  The _Dora the Explorer_ characters are probably going to slip OOC at times.  It's on purpose.  If any of the Spanish is wrong, sorry.  I used an online translator.  BTW, I can't write Hagrid's accent well…

Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually) 

It was a bright, sunny afternoon, since this is Dora's world and every day is a bright, sunny day, except when the "plot" of the episode means it has to rain or snow.  Dora was in London with her _Mami, __Papi_, and _Abuela_ for no other reason than I had to get her there somehow.  This is about Dora.  Plot is virtually meaningless.

For good measure, Boots the Monkey, Dora's best friend, despite being a monkey, and, by all appearances, naked except for a pair of red boots, was there, too.  Of course, she had her Backpack, who sounds quite masculine for a female, and with Backpack was, as always, the Map.

I could make some comment about the Map and Backpack that would make most people cringe, but as this is based on a children's television series, I'll hold my tongue.  This time.

Dora stood in a conveniently placed field.  I don't know where the field was.  It probably magically appeared somehow by the magic of Dora.  This is Dora.  She apparently lives in a Central American country, or possibly Mexico, but is still within walking distance of the North Pole.  Dora's super special in every way.  

"_Hola!  Soy Dora_!"  Dora speaks that way, facing out to an invisible person she expects to react to her.  It's the same thing as _Blue's Clues_.  It's in order to get the children to interact.  From the author's experience, it doesn't work very well.  

"And I'm Boots the Monkey!"  The naked, red boot wearing monkey flipped out of a conveniently placed tree (this is Dora's world.  If she needs a tree, a tree will appear) and landed next to Dora.  Boots is Dora's best friend.  As stated before, he's a naked monkey.  I probably shouldn't spend too much time discussing that, though.  They both have a way of speaking with exclamation points.  I'll attempt not to abuse them too much.

Nearby, an owl called them.  "Dora!  Boots!"  This is Dora.  Animals can speak to her, unless it's essential to the plot or Diego's around.  Or both.  Since Diego's not here, I'm going to assume the owl can talk.  Gee, isn't Dora great?

"Did you hear that?"  Dora looked around everywhere but at the direction of the owl.  "Who's calling us?"  There was a pause.  Here's where your children are supposed to answer her.  Since my niece just seems to stare into space unless my mother or I answer for her, the pause might be quite quiet.  "The owl?"

"Yeah!"  Boots turned around to face the owl in another conveniently placed tree.  "Dora, there's an owl calling us."

At this point, the adults in the audience might wonder why there's an owl out during the day, but this is Dora (and Harry Potter).  One doesn't worry about the behavior of nocturnal animals when it comes to Dora.  

"Hi, owl!"  Boots continued.  

"_Hola, __buho_!" Dora added.

"Dora, Boots, I have a letter for you!"  The owl also has a problem with using exclamation points.  This is Dora.  Everyone is quite excitable.  Compared to the rest of the cast, Dora comes across as quite sane.

 "But this isn't _Blue's Clues_…"  Dora frowned and she looked puzzled.  "We don't usually get mail."

"Will you just take the letter?  I have to head to another 'Mary Sue can't get her letters' fanfic in about five minutes."

"Oh, all right."  Dora grabbed the two envelopes, gazing in adoration at the thick parchment.  

"Who's it from, Boots?" she asked Boots when she handed him the one with his name written on green ink.

"I don't know, Dora!"  Boots fiddled with his envelope as well.   "All these exclamation points are going to make me lose my voice," he added in an undertone.

Several members of the audience stared at the screen in adoration.  The adults with them sighed, heavily.   "The suspense is killing us," they said with heavy sarcasm in their voices.

A smart-assed, know-it-all pointed to the title.  "It's called _Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter._  Gee…  Maybe it's from _Hogwarts_?"

Finally, the two on the screen opened the envelopes.  

"Dear Dora the Explorer (and Boots the Monkey), 

"For plot reasons, and your being in London anyway, we're pleased to offer you a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  Please find the enclosed school list.  Since anyone reading this is probably familiar with the list, and because the author is insanely lazy when it comes to these things, it won't be read out loud.  Thank you. 

"Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmistress."

"Dora, what's Hogwarts?" Boots asked, the excited, nervous voice coming to his voice.  This was usually a clear sign that soon someone would be singing.

"I don't know, Boots!"

At this point, the smart-assed, know-it-all, broke in with "It's a school for witchcraft and wizardry.  You just read it in the bloody letter!"  The smart-assed, know-it-all decided that if he or she was going to continue to read this crap, she or he had better stock up on painkillers.

"But, despite the fact I didn't actually read it in the letter, we've got to Diagon Alley to buy our school things."

"But Dora, how do we get to Diagon Alley?" Boots asked.  The adults in the audience groaned in response, knowing that, soon, they'd be hearing the song that would get stuck in their head for the rest of the day.

"Let's stop and think."  Dora looked thoughtful, and she turned to the invisible person in front of the screen.  "Who do we ask for help when we don't know where to go?"  There's another pause.  "The Map.  Right.  Can you check the Map for me?  You have to say 'Map'!"

Just in case you couldn't tell by the repetition of the word, that's the Map that's the answer to Dora's question.  

After a moment, Boots and Dora said, "Louder!"

At this, the Map started singing.  "If there's a place you gotta go, I'm the one you need to know.  I'm the Map!  I'm the Map, I'm the Map!  If there's a place you gotta get, I can get you there, I bet.  I'm the Map!  I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map, I'm the Map.  I'm the Map!"

The adults in the audience began pondering suicide, if only to get that stupid song out of their heads and they don't find themselves singing it to themselves at embarrassing moments.

The Map continued talked.  "Dora and Boots need to get to Diagon Alley.  Well, I know how to get to Diagon Alley.  First you have to cross the Mermaid's Pond, then you have to go to the Leaky Cauldron pub, and that's how you'll get to Diagon Alley.  So you tell Dora:  Pond, pub, Alley.  Say it with me:  Pond, pub, alley.  Pond, pub, alley.  Pond, pub, alley.  Pond, pub, alley!"

"How do we get to Diagon Alley?"  Again, Dora paused.  She always pauses after every question pretty much.  "Pond, pub, alley.  First we have to cross the Mermaid's Pond, then we go to the Leaky Cauldron pub and that's how we get to Diagon Alley.

"Where do we go first?"  At this, the smart-assed, know-it-all contemplated buying a gun just to end his or her misery.  Dora ignored it, though.  "The pond, right.  Mermaid's Pond.  Do you see Mermaid's Pond?"

After a moment, a giant arrow floated across the area and pointed to a crystal blue pond a bit away from them.  "Yeah!  There it is!"

They raced to Mermaid's Pond.  Usually, Dora would start singing at this point, but the author, either to spare her audience or because she's insanely lazy, decided against it.  Finally, they stood at the shore of the clear blue pond (because, in Dora's world, there is no pollution).

"We made it to Mermaid's Pond!"  Dora exclaimed, staring at the water.

"But, Dora, I don't see any mermaids!"  Boots added, and the author wondered, exactly, what kind of monkey Boots was if he wanted to see them.

"I know, Boots.  Where are the mermaids?"  Dora, again, looked towards the invisible person.  "If you see any mermaids, yell out 'Mermaid!'"  After a brief pause, during which a too beautiful to be true mermaid (this is Dora's world… there are no ugly people in it) splashed through the water.  "You see a mermaid?  Where?"

Again, that blue arrow pointed at the pink fin of the mermaid that Dora and Boots remained hopelessly oblivious too.  The smart-assed, know-it-all began constructing a noose out of rope.  The mermaid waved at the invisible person.  

"Yeah, there she is!"  Boots waved at the mermaid who, despite appearances in _Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire_ to the contrary, was beautiful and friendly.  This is Dora's world.  Even Draco Malfoy will be nice.  He'd have to be.  In Dora's world, no one is ugly or mean.  "Mermaid, can you give us a ride across the pond?"

_"¿Como?  En __español, __por favor_?"

"The mermaid speaks Spanish!"  Dora exclaimed.

The smart-assed, know-it-all stared at the screen in disgust.  "A mermaid in London speaks Spanish?"  He or she finished making his noose and wondered how well it would stay attached to the hanging lamps.

"Well, I speak Spanish!"  Dora added with more glee than should be allowed.  _"¿Mermaid, __puede__usted__darnos__ un __paseo__ a __través__ de la __charca__?"_

_"__Si!  Con mucho gusto!" _

_"'Con mucho gusto?'  _Isn't that Tico's catchphrase?"  Boots asked in an undertone.

"Quiet, Boots.  We've already torn the fourth wall into a billion pieces!"

Dora and Boots gathered together two sets of water-skis that just happened to be there, (his is Dora's world after all) and two life jackets "so we can be safe".  They found some rope in her backpack, the author, feeling strangely merciful decided to forgo having Backpack sing her song, and they hooked them up to the mermaid.  The most serious canon thumpers in the audience now stabbed their television screen with rusty sporks, screaming "Canon rape!" as everyone knows mermaids aren't the nicest creatures in the _Harry Potter_ books.

They landed on the other side of Mermaid's Pond with the mariachi trio playing their excited song.  The author realizes that this is only a twenty-two minute program, so she hurries up.  After a quick "_gracias_" to the mermaid, Boots and Dora begin their search for the Leaky Cauldron.

"If you see the pub, say 'pub'."  Of course, the author knows that Dora will not shut up for any power beyond God's.  That beautiful blue arrow points at the dingy pub between the bookstore and the record store.  "Yeah!  There's the pub."

The two of them raced towards the pub, and no one seemed to care that two preadolescents, one being a monkey, entered, or that, as soon as they entered the door, the mariachi trio played their music.  Rather, no one seemed to care about their presence at all, except for a man who looked too big to be real.  But he was still attractive, since this is Dora's world.  There are no ugly people in Dora's world.

"Firs' years at 'Ogwarts, are yeh?" He asked, looking at the pair of them, ignoring the fact that not only was Boots a monkey, he was also naked.

"Er… what?"  Boots asked.  "Dora, what language is he speaking?"

"Yeh can't understand English, can yeh?"  The man asked.  

"That's not English!" Dora exclaimed.

"Sure, it is!  Yeh just are used to it, are yeh?  Tell yeh what; I'll 'elp yeh get to Diagon Alley.  Come wit' me."

"I don't know.  I'm not supposed to speak to strangers."  Dora's eyes opened owlishly, which was quite a feat as her eyes are huge to begin with.  

The adults in the audience boggle at this proclamation.  "What are you talking about?  You speak to strangers _all_ the time!  There's no one in the world you _won't_ talk to!  You talked to an _owl_ at the beginning of this!"

"But – "  Dora looked shocked at the reaction from the adults in the audience.  "They speak English or Spanish clearly.  He… doesn't!"

"Dora, let's just get this over with!"  Boots exclaimed.  He exclaims a lot.  In case that wasn't completely obvious.  "The author wants to hurry up with this!"

"Oh, well, all right."  She looked up at the huge, but still strangely attractive, man.  "You can help us get into Diagon Alley?"

"Right this way."  He led them to a brick wall, and Dora and Boots exchanged worried glances, until he tapped his umbrellas at the bricks.  "This… is Diagon Alley," he said, as they opened up, revealing the street.

"Yay!"  Dora shouted.  "We made it to Diagon Alley!  We did it!"

And they sang.  Because that's what Dora and Boots do at the end of every episode.  And the adults in the audience sang because the episode was over, at least for half an hour.  And the smart-ass, know-it-all, well, he or she sang because she or he managed to get through the episode without killing himself or herself.

And the author.  Well, after feeling her I.Q. drop twenty points just by writing this chapter, decided to kill a few more brain cells by getting drunk.


	2. There's a Plot to this thing? Sort of

**Disclaimer:**  Still not mine.  If I ever own any piece of this, I'll let you know, all right?

**Chapter Two of Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)**

The Author (capitalized for no reason other than that's her new title in this world) paced on the set of _Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually), _which, for no apparent reason, was at the Leaky Cauldron.  She wondered if she were going out of her way to use those seven words and single set of parentheses over and over again for no reason.  The Author likes parentheses.  She also likes ellipses…  

Anyway, she was at the set waiting for the Harry Potter part of her cast of out of character, erm, characters to show up.  So far, only Ron Weasley was there, and he looked more than a little embarrassed by this fact.  

"It's because I'm forgettable despite being the hero's best friend," he'd moaned, more than once, which caused the Author to get strange, twitchy feelings in the back of her head.  

"At least you're not Peter Pettigrew.  Most fanfic authors pretend he doesn't exist.  Despite, you know, the fact that there'd be no story without him."  

The Author was not one known for patience.  "Where is everyone?" she asked, rubbing at her temples from the massive hangover she had from getting drunk the night before.  "Where's Harry?"

"He and Hermione – "

"Never mind," the Author interrupted.  She didn't really want to hear about their fluff fics at this point.  "Draco?"  Again, the Author didn't need to hear about it, because the dark look that had entered Ron's eyes and the way his jaw tightened was answer enough.  "Dare I ask, Remus?"

"He had a slash fic with Sirius."

The Author's eyes widened at that answer.  "Sirius is _dead_."

"It doesn't stop the fanfic writers," a raspy voice said from behind her, and she turned around to face the werewolf.  "And you could be a bit more sensitive."

"I don't have time to be sensitive.  I'm still waiting for the rest of my bloody cast!"  With that, the Author picked up a purple felt tip pen that had run out of ink, and she tossed it in the general direction of the bar.  It didn't land, and, instead, hit an evil looking wizard in the back of the head.

Ten minutes later, with a pained expression on her face, the Author managed to get the pen out of her nose.  By this time, the rest of the cast had shown up, but, in her mind, they were horribly unprepared for their day on the set.  

"Hair!  Wardrobe!  Let's go!"  The Author liked being in charge.  "Hermione's clearly had a makeover and not a very good one…"  The Author cringed at the sight of the young witch's hair that had been dyed bright red at the tips.  

"Who thought that was a good idea?"  The Author rounded on the rest of the cast as Hermione shuffled out.  "Draco, get out of those leather trousers.  And Ginny, what the hell are you wearing?"  She made a vague gesture at Ginny's fishnets and short skirt.  "Remus, Ron, you look all right, I guess.  But Harry looks like a member of N'Sync.  Come on, let's go.  We haven't got all night!  Move it, people."  

The Author sat down at the table, her hands scribbling on a notebook in dark blue ink, as the purple pen had run out, and she threw the pen down.  "Where's our bloody Mary Sue?"

"You mean Dora?"  Ron looked owlishly at her.  The Author likes using that description.  "You left her at the entrance to Diagon Alley."

"No, a different Mary Sue.  She was beautiful, smarter than Hermione, had a tragic past, was related to several canon characters, and in love with Remus."  The mentioned man looked at her with surprise, and the Author rounded on him.  "I'm not a slash fan, okay?"

"It's your story," he replied, sheepishly.

The Author sighed, heavily, and she glanced at her watch.  "I guess I'm going to have to do it, then."

Ron's jaw dropped.  The Author ran over to him, and she removed it off the floor.  With his mouth together again, he swallowed, hard, and stared at her.  She had shoulder length, strawberry blonde hair, wide blue eyes and pale skin that often had acne.  Her body wasn't perfect, by any sense of the term, and she sometimes wore a pair of awful, huge glasses, when she wasn't wearing her contact lenses, that were bent out of shape and the left hand lens kept popping out of.  Finally, her clothes were normal, a heavy, navy blue sweatshirt, blue jeans and a pair of trainers.  

"You can't be a Mary Sue!" Ron exclaimed, stating the obvious.  "You're too… average."

The Author glared at him in a way that would terrify, well, no one really.  A puppy maybe.  "Watch me," she declared and, with that, she walked towards the wardrobe department.  

Remus rubbed his tired looking eyes.  "It's going to be a bloody self-insert now?"

**Meanwhile, back to Dora:**

As Ron had said, Dora and Boots were still at the entrance to Diagon Alley.  As no one had told them what to do from there, they just stood there waiting for instructions.  Several times, annoyed looking witches and wizards passed them.  

Finally, Boots looked at Dora.  "What should we do?"

"I don't know, Boots, but I guess we're supposed to buy school supplies."

"This is bullshit."  At that moment, Boots mouth was covered with duct tape until such a time he would get over the punishment of swearing in a children's television series.  Dora didn't seem to notice.

"We're supposed to buy robes, books and a wand.  And lots of other things, but the author's lazy."

Boots muttered something behind the duct tape, and Dora nodded.  "I'll keep that in mind," she replied.  How she understood Boots, with the tape over his mouth, was beyond everyone, but this is Dora, and she's super special.  "I guess we should check the Map, huh?"

It just goes to show you how tired everyone was of being in this crossover, as the poor girl couldn't even muster the strength to show interest in checking the Map.  The Map, also, seemed to be uninterested in his current existence as he spat out directions to three stores on Diagon Alley and went back to sleep, or whatever the Map does when he's not giving directions.  Dora's world was being turned upside apparently, which is a side effect of _Crossovers that Should Never Have Been Made_ and the fact that a self insert Mary Sue was going to appear soon only made things worse.  There was only one cure to _CTSNHBM_, and that was, well, you'll find out soon enough.  Remember the rating, though.  This isn't a kid's story. 

They made it Madame Malik's, where they bought robes, with Boots silently protesting the entire time.  Finally, someone, a minion of the Author most likely, removed the duct tape, along with several strands of hair from his face.  He screamed for a bit, much to the pleasure of the minions of the Author.  The Author was busy.  She was preparing herself for her self-insert debut, although, knowing the Author as well as I do, and I'd say that's pretty well, her appearance wasn't going to be anything like her.  I guess we'll have to find out later, though.

Somehow, Dora had gold.  Harry Potter type money.  Backpack has everything she needs, but the inanimate object seemed more interested in scoring some drugs than giving up the items in her.  This, the Author just realized, was kind of gross.  It'd be like someone reaching inside a person and digging out items from their abdominal cavity.  Anyway, afterwards, she got the rest of her books at Flourish and Blott's.  And she got her wand.  Since the Author is feeling brain-dead, she isn't going to tell you what kind.  For all intents and purposes, her wand is a twig she picked up off the ground.  Yeah, that's good.  It's just a bloody twig.  But don't tell Dora that.

"We did it!" Dora shouted, a bit of enthusiasm returning to her voice, but Boots was still sulking and rubbing his hands over where the duct tape had been.  They sang, again, less half-heartedly than before.  The audience members were all really puzzled by this sudden change in their heroine.  And the smart-assed, know-it-all had class in the morning so he or she couldn't watch the show.  Not that there was anything in it that would really need commenting in.  

**Back at the Leaky Cauldron:**

The Harry Potter canon characters were all talking amongst themselves in soft tones.  Remus, especially, seemed a bit strained as the fact that not only was there a Mary Sue, it was a self-insert, and the Author was a Lupin fangirl made him worry uncontrollably.  She was taking too long.  The canon characters had been waiting for her for awhile, and they didn't know what they could do without her.  This was another reason why Remus worried.  If the Author wasn't careful, her minions might have to take over the story.  Mary Sues were often… vapid, despite their insistence that they were smart.

He looked at the ellipses in the previous sentence, and he sighed with relief.  Ellipses were a good sign, coming from this particularly Author.

The door to the Leaky Cauldron opened, and a stunning woman walked in.  Soft, shoulder length waves of raven hair framed a fair face.  Large, dark blue eyes peered out at each of the canon characters, and a small, amused smile came to her Cupid's bow lips.  Her long fingers smoothed out an invisible wrinkle in her short, pleated black skirt, and she joined the group.  Her eyes found Ron's, who was staring at her with either awe or surprise.  

"I told you I could do it," she said, in her clearly American voice, despite her constant use of British terms for swearing.  His eyes widened even more so that they looked like saucers in the middle of his face.  "All right, just call me Rhianna Dark."

"Er…"  Harry looked at her in surprise.  "Your penname has it as one word."

The Author, I mean, Rhianna, turned to him.  "Do you really want to have to keep saying 'RhiannaDark' all the time?  I'm breaking it up to save you guys trouble."

They accepted this, as they really had no choice in the matter, and they began discussing the plot of this story.  Although, the Author, I mean, Rhianna, had to remind them that this involves _Dora the Explorer_ and plot is virtually meaningless.  Considering there was a self-insert Mary Sue made it so plot was even less involved, and Rhianna knew she just had to hold out until either the climax of the story, or until the Author's minions decided it was best to just abandon this story.

At that thought, the Author, I mean, Rhianna, looked in surprise at the screen, and she scrambled for a notebook.  "You asses can't leave me in here, damn it!"

The Author's minions, who had a poor sense of humor, laughed at her predicament.  "You've ignored us too long.  We're taking over now."


	3. The Minions are Revolting And They’re R...

**Disclaimer:**  I still own nothing.  Well, that's not true.  I've got this can of soda (pop) here, but I doubt that's what is meant.  I don't own the "canon" characters, and, technically, two of the "minions" aren't mine either.  They're named after friends of mine.  (Thanks, guys.)  The song lyrics are sampled from _The Reason_ performed by Hoobastank,  _Why Don't You and I_ performed by Santana, _Time and Time Again_ performed by Papa Roach, and _Mad World _performed by Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules.  In that order.

**Author's Notes:  **Chapter two was written when I should have been paying attention to Client/Server Systems.  Basically, I wanted to see if I could finish it before class ended.  I managed to do so, but at what cost to the humor? 

**Author's Notes (2):** Thanks to kittykitty110 for reminding me that I forgot to use Swiper in the original chapter.  

**Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)**

**Chapter Three:  The Minions are Revolting.  And They're Rebelling as Well**

**Where the Minions are:**

The minions cackled evilly.  They were evil minions.  That's what they did.  Their names were Corivade, Zylly, and Nick.  Yes, Nick.  No one ever said the Author was creative when it came to naming her minions.  

The minions had the Author exactly where they wanted her.  Locked in the strangest crossover they'd ever seen, as a self-insert, and that meant they could do whatever they wanted.  Or, at least, they'd be able to once they got that bloody notebook from the Author.  See, as long as the Author held the notebook, and, more importantly, the blue felt tip pen, she'd still have some control over the universe they'd tricked her into entering.  

"We need to get the notebook and pen away from the Author," Corivade spoke up, stating the obvious.  That was what she did.  From all intents and purposes, she should be the brightest of the minions.  As it was, she, at times, seemed to barely have two brain cells to rub together. 

"I stole the Mary Sue.  You do something for once," Zylly said, his eyes glancing towards the closet where the too beautiful, too clever, and too perfect abstract was bound and gagged.  The original plans hadn't been to gag her, but the girl would not shut up.  Nick didn't say anything about their current plotting.  He was still trying to remove monkey fur from the duct tape.  Why he was doing this was beyond anyone's comprehension, but it was taking all his concentration.  

"Surely one of you has some idea!" Corivade exclaimed, her bright green eyes filling with tears.  She could have been a Mary Sue, but all the current positions had been filled up.  So, instead, she became an evil minion.

"Not here," Zylly replied.  "And don't call us 'Shirley'."

Nick looked up at that.  "That's worse than 'Sirius/Serious' puns."  He glanced at the radio, thoughtfully, and an evil smile crossed his face.  See, they're evil.  "I have an idea that'll distract all of them."

**The Three Broomsticks:**

The Author, I mean, Rhianna, scrambled around trying to secure that she had her notebook and pen.  It made her feel secure that she could still control things a bit.  If the minions were evil, and they sure had claimed to be on their resumes, they would probably do everything in their power to keep her locked in this deranged, _Crossovers that Should Never Have Been Made_universe_.  _All she could do, though, even with the pen in her hand and the notebook open to a blank page was stare at the pale blue lines that, somewhere in the back of her mind, seemed to be laughing at her.

She had the worst curse that could occur to any author.  She had **Writer's Block**.  Or, perhaps, it was the vapid brain of a Mary Sue invading her brain.  That was the problem with being a self-insert.  One might take the form of a Mary Sue completely.  At least, none of the canon characters seemed to be staring at her, but that was probably because the Author, I mean, Rhianna, was still fairly conservative.  She hadn't forced herself into something from Hot Topic by any means.

"What are we doing?" Harry asked, causing her to be startled from trying to think.  

"Uh…"  The Author, I mean, Rhianna, looked up at him, and she tried to concentrate.  This was such a bad idea.  She had to resist the urge to hug Remus at every moment, and the Mary Sue brain wasn't helping much.  "I don't know," she finally admitted.

"Will you bloody think of something?" Draco asked.  "This is pathetic."

"If you can't come up with something soon, your minions are going to trap you in this crossover," Remus added, but, at least, his voice was somewhat gentle towards her.  

"I can't freaking think here!" Rhianna shrieked.  At the wide-eyed looks of the canon characters, she swallowed hard, and her fair skin flushed with embarrassment.  "I'm sorry…  I just…"

And, just as suddenly, she gave a startled breath, and she started singing.  Which, based on the radio reference in the previous section shouldn't come as much as a shock to the readers of this.

_"I'm not a perfect person.  
"There's many things I wish I didn't do,  
"But I continue learning.  
"I never meant to do those things to you,  
"And so I have to say before I go,  
"That I just want you to know…"_

The canon characters covered their ears.  If there was one thing that this particular self-insert didn't have that most Mary Sues had, and that was a beautiful singing voice.  In fact, the Author's, I mean, Rhianna's, voice sounded like a mandrake on helium.

"This is bad," Remus murmured under his breath.  Someone might have commented on the obvious nature of that statement, but no one could hear over the sound of the Author, I mean, Rhianna, singing at the top of her voice.  Plus, they still had their ears covered.

His amber eyes scanned the pub, and he saw one of the evil minions standing there waving his wand, mockingly, at the group.  At that moment, the minion caught Remus looking at him, and he ran out onto Diagon Alley, because that was a great hiding place.  Remus started to open his mouth to say something, a worried look crossed his face when it occurred to him that he might start singing, and he shook his head.  He grabbed Rhianna's arm (she was, after all, the Author and it was her fault they were in this mess to begin with), where she was struggling with writing and singing at the same time and then they ran after the minion.

Meanwhile, the spell had started to take effect on the rest of the group, as Ron had started singing, while looking at Hermione, who, strangely, didn't seem to notice.

_"Every time I try to talk to you,  
"I get tongue-tied.  
"Turns out that everything I say to you  
"Comes out wrong and never comes out right."_

**D-D-D-Dora!  Dora, Dora, Dora the Explorer…  Ugh.**

"At least people are singing," Boots said, softly, as they reached the gateway between the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley.  He gestured towards the pub, where people were singing at the tops of their lungs.  An ambiguous man ran past them, and Boots pulled Dora out of the way.  A second later, another man ran by dragging a singing young woman with him.  Out her hands fell a battered notebook and a pen, and Dora picked it up, quickly.

She flipped through the pages, her wide eyes growing ever wider.  "Boots!" she exclaimed, because she's Dora and that's the way she always talks.  "I think that was the Author!"

"She's not supposed to be here!" Boots exclaimed back, since he's Boots and that's the way he talks.  

"I know, Boots!"  She looked around, nervously.  "I think she's in trouble!"

"We have to help her!  We have to help her!  We have to help her!"  Boots started hopping nervously from foot to foot.  

"Calm down, Boots.  We have to figure out what's going on first."  There was a slight shuffling noise, and, almost instinctively, she held the notebook tighter to herself. 

"Did you hear that?" Boots asked in a low voice.

"It sounded like Swiper the Fox," she replied, and she stared to look around for the, erm, fox.

"That sneaky fox is always trying to swipe our stuff!"  Boots exclaimed, instinctively.  That should have been patently obvious, though.  With a name like "Swiper", the fox had little career choices available to himself.  He either had to become a thief or a U.S. Congressman.

"We know what to do!" Dora said once she spotted the fox.  It just shows how much her universe had changed, since she didn't have to ask for help from an invisible person.  She held out her hand, and Boots did the same.

"Swiper, no swiping!  Swiper, no swiping!  Swiper, no swiping!"  

The fox, who'd managed to creep around until he faced them, paused for a moment.  Rather than obliging perfect little Dora's fantasy that he would give up at that point, he grabbed the notebook from her.  "Why does that usually stop me?" he asked her, and Dora, frozen in shock, could only shrug.  "You should take better care of your stuff," he added.

"Give it back, Swiper!" Boots shouted. 

"Yeah, you're only going to mess up the universe further," Dora added, her voice pleading.  

"That's the point, you silly girl," Swiper replied and, before Dora could stop him, he ran down Diagon Alley.  Dora and Boots glanced at each other.  

"We better go after him, Dora," Boots said, and Dora nodded.

"He usually just tosses the stuff where we can find it," she said as they ran after the sneaky fox.

They stopped, in shock, as the fox dashed into a glowing, unfamiliar circle by Gringott's Bank, near where it connects to Knockturn Alley.  An unfamiliar man was staring at the Author and the man with her with a mocking grin on his face.

**The Author, Remus, and the Minion**

The Author, I mean, Rhianna had finally stopped singing, much to Remus's relief.  Instead, she glared at the glowing circle behind her minion.  Some of the Dark Wizards who shopped on Knockturn Alley (I told you the minions were evil) were a bit upset at this turn of events.  They couldn't reach their shops, but that hardly mattered to our heroes.

"You idiot!"  The Author, I mean, Rhianna shouted at her minion.  "Zylly, you let this thing in here and everything's going to fall apart."

"That's the point, Princess," the minion replied, clucking his tongue.  Rhianna wasn't sure why.  It just seemed to be something to do at the time.

"You three are minions!  You can't do anything without someone bossing you around!  It's in your job!"  Rhianna's face turned bright red, and Remus wondered if she were going to use some weird, Mary Sue-ish power.  Or, perhaps, hyperventilate.

"But Swiper stole the notebook!" A childish, aggravating voice said from behind Rhianna, and she turned around, her eyes wide.

Rhianna pat her clothes, like she were searching for the notebook under her sleeveless, black blouse.  "You planned all this, didn't you?" she demanded of Zylly.

He gave her a wink, but, a second later, he started singing, surprise crossing his face.  

_"Yes I did it, and I'll do it again.  
"It doesn't matter if I am your best friend;  
"I don't think so.  
"You're not that smart."  
  
_

Rhianna smirked.  "You didn't think that by making everyone sing here, you'd be effecting yourself, did you?"

Zylly was incapable of answering, the spell overtaking him completely, but a hand reached through the hole and pulled him through it.

Rhianna sighed to herself.  Remus took one look at the expression on her face, and he covered his ears.  Dora glanced at him in confusion, but, a second later, she did the same.

_  
"All around me are familiar faces,  
"Worn out places, worn out faces.  
"Bright and early for their daily races,  
"Going nowhere, going nowhere.  
"Their tears are filling up their glasses,  
"No expression, no expression.  
"Hide my head; I want to drown my sorrow.  
"No tomorrow, no tomorrow."_

"We have to find a way to stop this bloody spell," Remus said, as he tried to speak over the sound of her singing._  
  
"And I find it kinda funny,  
"I find it kinda sad.  
"The dreams in which I'm dying  
"Are the best I've ever had.  
"I find it hard to tell you,  
"I find it hard to take,  
"When people run in circles  
"It's a very, very mad world mad world."  
  
_


	4. A Fairly Odd Use of Deux Ex Machina

**Disclaimer:**  If I claimed to own _Harry Potter, Dora the Explorer_ or the _Fairly Odd Parents_, would you believe me?  Of course not. 

**Author's Notes:** It's hard to be consistently funny.   That's why this thing really sucks, isn't it?  _Mad World- _Michael Andrews feat. Gary Jules, as mentioned last chapter, and _Away from the Sun_ – 3 Doors Down are featured here, if you consider it a feature.  The latter I included simply because I don't hear that song nearly often enough. 

**Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually)**

**Chapter Four:   A Fairly Odd Use of Deux Ex Machina**

**At Casa de Minions:**

"You know what we need?" Nick asked, stroking his chin.  Swiper the Fox lay curled at his feet in a ball, simply so the Author, I mean, Rhianna, no I really mean the Author this time (damn it!) can't be accused of forgetting his existence.

"Cookies?"  Corivade guessed.

"No, we need – "

"I'm with Cori.  We need cookies," Zylly replied, his voice slightly scratchy from being unable to stop singing in the previous chapter.  "Or maybe beer."  You can't go wrong with cookies and/or beer.

"We need to mess things up even more."  Nick pointed to the computer monitor, where an old file laid named "Unfinished fanfics". 

"That's completely evil!" Corivade shouted, looking at the particular file he'd just opened. 

"Yes, I know.  That's the bloody point you foolish girl!"  Nick wondered why she was still around and they hadn't thrown her into the closet with the Mary Sue.  Then, he remembered, that she was the only one of the three who could type.  "We're _evil minions_, remember?"

"Yeah, well, who put you in charge?" she asked, her hands on her hips.

"She's got a point," Zylly added.  "We're minions, you know?  We're all used to following the Author.  Following you is pretty dumb."

"Someone has to do it!"  Nick's hand hit the side of the desk, overturning the bottle of soda (or pop) that had been left there.

"No they don't.  Bring back the Author!" Cori declared, and Nick looked at her, his eyes widening.

"Cori…"

"Don't start, Nick."  She folded her arms across her chest.  "If you don't fix this soon, I'm gonna…  I'm gonna…"

"Gonna what?"

"I'm gonna cry.  And, um, not type anymore!"

Nick looked at her with worry.  If she cried, Zylly would probably fall apart completely, and if she refused to type, this whole thing would never get finished.  This is quite silly, since it's been waiting for an update for two months.  No one ever accused the Author of not being lazy after all. 

He took action.  He grabbed Cori by the shoulders, and he sat her down in front of the computer screen.  "Type!" he shouted. 

"What if I won't?" she asked, and she tried to sound defiant, but it only came out as sulky. 

"Then I'll do it without you."  And, before the minion could stop him, he's opened a long unused file on the computer and a short paragraph of words appeared in front of them.

**Diagon Alley**

Remus stared at Rhianna as she sang her heart out.  He had to admire her trying, at least.  After a moment, he shook his head.  No, he didn't.  At all.  And he realized some part of the Mary Sue-ness of the Author, I mean, Rhianna (this time I really mean it, damn it!) was seeping through.  If only a beautiful singing voice came with it.

_And I find it kinda funny  
I find it kinda sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very mad world ... world  
Enlarge your world  
Mad world_

"I'm going to tie those minions up, rip out their intestines and feed them to my dog."

Remus looked at Rhianna with slight interest.  "Really?"

She paused.  "No, actually, this is the most evil thing they've ever done.  They should get a raise."

"And what does an unemployed college student pay them?"

"Oh…"  She waved a hand, dismissively.  "You'd be surprised at the addictive nature of cookies and beer."

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but he thought better about it.  If he said anything, she'd probably give a speech about how his having chocolate in _Prisoner of Azkaban_ was no indication that he was addicted to the stuff.  And considering how much time she spent on message boards and instant messaging services giving theories to people who, really, didn't give a damn, he wasn't about to get her started.  He hated to admit it, but, now he wanted some cookies or biscuits as he'd most likely call them since he was British, but he wasn't going to tell her that. 

She opened her mouth to say something, but it was cut short by two fairies, who looked around and tried to hide themselves, and a boy about ten in a pink hat.  The Author, I mean, Rhianna (_really_!), looked at the three in shock.  Her face paled.  "Timmy Turner?" she asked, and her eyes widened. 

_It's down to this   
I've got to make this life make sense   
Can anyone tell what I've done   
I miss life   
I miss the colors of the world   
Can anyone tell where I am   
  
'Cause now again I've found myself   
So far down, away from the sun   
That shines into the darkest place   
I'm so far down, away from the sun again   
Away from the sun again   
  
_

"Ugh!" The boy said, and he put his hands to his ears.  "I wish she would stop singing!"

The pink haired fairy shrugged, sheepishly, and she waved her wand.  Rhianna's mouth opened again, but nothing came out.  A moment later, she looked at the group, puzzled, but she looked at Timmy. 

"Hey, maybe you can help me out!  Just by making a couple of wishes!" she said, and she hugged him, quickly, which is weird because she's not a touchy-feely person at all.

"Wait, you know about Cosmo and Wanda?  Isn't that against Da Rules?"  Timmy looked at the fairies, who were trying to look inconspicuous as a pair of dogs at his feet.  Remus looked at the pair, and he frowned.

"Their magic cancels out our magic?" he asked Rhianna out of the corner of his mouth.

"Sure, why not?" she asked, and she shrugged.  "I'm still the Author, you know."

"How does everyone know about the fairies?" Timmy demanded.

"It's obvious," Remus told him. 

"But – "

"I've got mad skills."

"Isn't that supposed to be spelled with a 'z'?" Timmy asked, incredulously.  I mean, it wasn't that often that Cosmo had managed to stay quiet for so long. 

"Look," Rhianna said, sharply.  "I'm not about to do that, even for the sake of some stupid slang.  Now get with the wishing."

"You haven't told me what to wish!" he shouted, and Dora, who is still there with Boots, since she hasn't even met Harry, yet, backed away slowly.

"You're on the same network as me?" she asked, sheepishly.

"I'm geared to a higher age group."

"Then why does my niece like your show?" Rhianna asked, and she shook her head.  "Just get my notebook back.  And my pen."

"Right.  I wish this weird woman had her notebook and pen back."  Timmy glanced at the fairies, and they complied, silently.  The items fell directly into her hands, and she looked at them.

"I am not weird!" she said, and she started to sulk, but she thought better of it.  "I wish Harry were here."

Again the fairies complied, although Timmy himself hadn't made the wish.  Harry stood there, looking puzzled.  This, come to think of it, is probably a pretty common expression for him.  Not that I blame him.  Things are pretty confusing where he's concerned.

"How'd I get here?" he asked, sharply, and Remus started to worry this was going to be a post-OOTP tantrum with him.

"Never mind that, what are you guys doing listening to her?" Timmy asked the two fairies.

"She's the Author," Wanda replied.

"Yeah, we've got to do what she says," Cosmo said.  And the Author wished she could think of something more amusing for them to do, but what the hell.

"All right, Harry, this is Dora.  Dora, this is Harry."  Rhianna looked sharply at the place where the fourth wall stood.  "Happy now?  They've met.  I wish the canon characters and I were back where we're supposed to be."

"Does that mean I'm not going to Hogwarts?"

Harry looked at her "wand", which, as we discussed in an earlier chapter, was really just a stick she picked up off the ground.  "Not with that, you're not."

"Wait a second!"  Rhianna stopped the fairies before they could work their magic.  She grabbed Remus, and she kissed him on the cheek.  "Just be glad you didn't have to sing," she said, and she felt herself blush.  There were issues to being a bit shy sometimes.  "All right, not get with the wish granting."

"With pleasure.  This fic is too long as it is," Wanda said, and she did her magic.

And, a few moments later, Dora and her family returned to Mexico or Central America or wherever the hell she's supposed to be from.  Timmy Turner, Wanda and Cosmo, despite their much too short cameo, returned to Dimmsdale.  The Author returned to her computer, and, after a short butt kicking of the minions and a freeing of the Mary Sue, started pondering the reason why absurd crossover fics were barely ever written well.

_And so ends Dora the Explorer Meets Harry Potter (Eventually), simply because I can't be bothered to end it better.  I suck.  I know, but, hey, at least it's finished.  _

_Now that it's done, I need to get some vodka._


End file.
